As I view the dark days of winter in my rear view mirrors and think about the months ahead, I find myself contemplating bathing suit season. Thatās right, the dreaded time of year when weāre held accountable for our mid-winter indulgences. I admit it, I put on a few pounds. My stomach isnāt flat the way I want it to be. Could it be encroachment of the dreaded Muffin Top?
I found myself defaulting to considering quick weight loss strategies, accompanied by uncharitable thoughts about myself and unkind words about my body. āThere is absolutely no reason,ā I think, frustrated with myself, āwhy I shouldnāt look exactly like I did in my twenties. I just need more discipline!ā I seem to be overlooking the fact that Iāve had a few kids and itās thirty years later.
Okay, Iām a psychologist, I should know better. Enduring change is built on love and compassion, not hatred. History holds countless examples.
But Iām still human. It was Mackenzie, my daughter, and our Landing Strong Director of Community Engagement and Wellbeing who reminded me of this. I made a comment about being displeased with my muffin top, to which she replied:
āRemember, the top of the muffin is the best partā.
The wisdom of these words struck deep, for I know in my heart that I am in the best years of my life. Instead of internally criticizing, Iāll focus on practicing loving compassion. A person who loves her body cares for it, exercising it regularly and nourishing it with whole foods and a rainbow of colour. A person who struggles with their body doesnāt connect with it or use it much, viewing food as the enemy. This makes enduring change very difficult.
I think our relationship with our bodies very much reflects our relationship with ourselves and with life in general. With courage, love, and compassion, weāre able to leave the dark days of winter behind.
Stuck in the dark corner of judgement and shame, we remain immobile. Change escapes us. Iāll think of you all as I wander the nature trails with my dogs, enjoying the buds of spring and bursts of colour. I wonāt focus on what I donāt want, but on what I desire, and allow that path to gently guide me forward.
Partners in recovery,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
As I sit here in the warmth of my kitchen, smelling the sweet aroma of baking granola, I feel particularly grateful to be inside while the elements rage outside. Snow day, what wonderful words. All the busyness of life comes to a screeching halt as I hunker down for a good olā time of doing nothinā.
It feels strangely calming simply standing still in time. Many people may be stressing about the elements they canāt control in their life today: appointments they canāt make; places they canāt get to; children who are stuck at home. Although I have a lot of things I was hoping to do today, probably the most important thing I can do is recognize and accept what I canāt control. Make the best of it. Iām talking about the art of letting go.
This snow day situation is perhaps a parallel of what many of you are facing every day in your lives: loss of the ability to do your job or participate in activities that you enjoy and are accustomed to. Over the years, Iāve come to learn that the people who recover from trauma the fastest are generally those who acknowledge that it is a process that canāt be rushed. They are patient with themselves. Those who push themselves to get better faster take longer to recover. By focusing on the things that we can control and letting go of those we canāt, weāre honouring the process of recovery.
For those of you who didnāt get to stay home during this bad weather (perhaps your jobs involve going out in these conditions to help others), I thank you. For it is your actions that keep us all safe.
Be warm, be safe,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
This week, Mackenzie downloaded a podcast to my phone that I thought was terrific.Ā Ā It made me laugh, feel sad, and prompted some deep reflection about the nature of relationships.Ā Ā Itās the story of a couple trying to work out differences in three binge-worthy episodes.Ā Ā The format of their discussion is 36 critical questions.Ā Ā I use the word critical because they quickly get to the heart of what is most important in a relationship.Ā Ā At the core, do we share the same values, laugh at the same things, cry at the same time, and know how to let loose and have fun in a meaningful way?
Itās impossible to listen to this podcast without reflecting on oneās own relationships. Iāll share one of the questions with you,
āGiven the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?ā
In answering this, I went through a list of possibilities, ranging from Oprah to Gandhi to Michelle Obama. Iām happy to say that after a great deal of thought, I chose Joe. Thatās right, the same man who Iāve been married to for the past 28 years. When push comes to shove, heās the guy who I want to take me to dinner.
I invite you to enjoy the podcast, and perhaps use the list of questions (excluding #35) to spark discussion. It’s called “36 Questions” and is a 3-episode podcast musical.
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
My husband Joe recently shared a few āpromposalā stories with me, reminding me of the intense joy, courage and compassion felt by adolescents. For those of you unfamiliar with this time-honoured secondary school custom, promposals are the delivery of heartfelt sentiments, generally performed in a very public manner. I felt touched by the thoughtful ways people were asking someone special to be their date.
Expressing our affections for another can make us feel vulnerable, especially if we are unsure how the other person will respond. Rejection is a risk. To put oneself in a vulnerable position publicly takes even more courage.
Joe told me about a female hockey player who wished to ask out a member of the boys hockey team. His team was scheduled to practice immediately after hers. She secretly enlisted the help of both teamsā¦ even the coaches were included. It was their task to distract the intended recipient while both teams lined up their sticks to make a path to a message spelled out in pucks on the freshly cleaned ice.
My goal is to score a date with you for the prom.
Luckily for both parties involved, he accepted. I imagine a great roar of cheers arising from all those who helped orchestrate this wonderful event.
Another story involves a fellow who was in charge of thanking a particular girl during a school assembly for her role in organizing an event. He got up in front of the entire school, acknowledged her effort, and then with only the slightest of pauses, presented her with a bouquet of roses, adding,
There is one other thing I would like to sayā¦
With the entire school watching, he took the plunge:
I donāt have anyone to go to the prom with me. Will you do me the honour of being my date?
Over 400 people held their breath as they waited for her reply. After what must have seemed like an eternity to the young man, she broke into a huge smile and gleefully accepted.
These young people inspire me. How often is it that we have the opportunity to witness such grand acts of courage? I donāt know about you, but I found the adolescent years excruciating. I stand in awe of the fortitude it takes to stand on a mountain top and declare oneās love or admiration in such a bold manner.
That, my friends, is living. This week, I chose to think about how inviting others to share powerful emotions can bring us together.
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
I have a piece of wildlife art on my wall: a majestic stag, staring intensely at me from a forest glade. When I look at it, my body settles. In fact, when Iām on a break between sessions, I often sit on my couch and stare at this deer, looking at it as it looks back at me. A couple moments of mindful reflection in the blur of an otherwise busy day.
A few weeks ago, I noticed a client standing in front of this piece of art, staring at it thoughtfully. I immediately assumed it was bringing him the same joy it brought to me. When I observed him more closely, I saw a flash of pleasure dance across his face. I suddenly remembered that he was a hunter.
āYouāre thinking about shooting that deer!ā I proclaimed, somewhat shocked.
āNo,ā he said to me, grinning slyly. āIām thinking of cooking it up over a campfire, and eating a great venison steak.ā
Itās all a matter of perspective. It doesnāt matter what weāre dealing with in life, there are always many ways to look at any situation.
A snow day this week could be a headache, or cause for celebration.
Are you aware of the direction your thoughts take you? Our automatic thoughts are powerful guides in terms of how we interpret the world around us. They drive our emotions. Itās generally not a situation that causes an emotion, but rather the way we think about it that drives the feeling.
If we want to change our feelings, we have to change our thoughts. We canāt always control our environment, but we can control how we choose to think about it.
One of the most impactful ways of gaining a new perspective is to work within groups. Weāre able to see ourselves, not just through our own lenses, but also through the lens of others. A carefully facilitated and safe therapeutic group provides the ideal venue.
We offer a variety of workshops and programs. Landing Strong members are welcome to join at any time. New programs are being launched on a regular basis (check out the āPrograms and Workshopsā tab under LandingStrong.com)Ā Ā We hope youāll join us. Spoiler alert: Keep an eye out for our emotions management program, coming soon!
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
To a beach resort, where cold drinks are brought to you by the side of a pool? Or backpacking through a mountain pass, discovering tiny flower buds as they push their way through barren soil towards the sun?
Do you like things packaged, and neat? Or are you comfortable with uncertainty?
This April, I plan to escape for a week to somewhere hot where everything is done for me.Ā Perfect.Ā
Next Summer, I hope to backpack the rugged coast of Newfoundland with some good friends, hopping from cove to cove searching for hidden gems. I donāt know what weāll find, but I know there will be great fun in the searching. Being connected and together is an important part of the journey.
Iāll get something different out of each trip. At the warm resort, Iāll get relaxation and catch up on my reading. On the adventure trip, Iāll probably be uncomfortable at times but learn more about myself and those around me. Thatās the trip Iāll most remember. I need both, but if I donāt get out of my comfort zone Iāll stay pretty much the same.
In any journey, we have the power to decide how much risk weāre ready to take on. Increasing numbers of you are signing up for our workshops, and becoming involved with the Landing Strong community. Even after one day, we see change.
Lifeās always smoother when things stay the same. Itās in our response to disruption that true growth takes place.
Take a moment to check out the workshops available this month.Ā
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
