by Landing Strong | Oct 23, 2020 | Communication, Friday Inspiration, Leadership, Our Program, Wisdom
In this line of work, I’m honoured to hear countless stories of courage in the face of adversity. Recently, as part of our Identity and Transition course, veterans and first responders have been putting pen to paper. Led by our inspired writer Karalee Ann Clerk, participants who claim they can’t write step forward into the spotlight, bearing their hearts to the group. A sacred circle has formed, woven of trust, strength, compassion and courage. Each week my heart grows as I view their lives through the lens of their experiences. I mentioned to the group that if anyone was willing to share their weekly writing with the greater Landing Strong community, I’d be happy to publish it. One of our Veterans (and also a former Corrections Officer) stepped to the plate.
Thank you R.B. for trusting us with this piece of your heart:
I remember not seeing my father’s car. It was a fire engine red 1965 Pontiac Parisienne. A boat. A convertible boat. He loved that car, and that car was gone. I was 7 or 8 and had just returned from school. My mom told me matter of factly, “Your fathers gone and he is not coming back.”
At that young age I knew that despite how bad things had been at home and judging by my family’s current trajectory the dissolution of my parent’s marriage meant things were about to get a whole heck of a lot worse. I was terrified for myself and my siblings.
It was within this moment that I first learned how to numb fear.
I used to think courage is when you think taking an action may hurt you, but you do it anyways because it is in line with your values. It’s pushing yourself through something despite fear.
When I learned how to turn off fear I lost with it my sense of courage. How could I experience courageousness myself when I wouldn’t allow myself to be afraid? Looking back now I wonder if this is part of the reason I found myself in such a mess to begin with. It makes sense – nothing I did could appropriately scare me.
I’ve always been a risk taker. I used to think it was just who I was. I needed a little something extra to get a kick out of life. Were all of these risks really just a scared child trying to get back his sense of fear?
Masking emotions allowed me to excel as a grownup. I joined the army and really found my place. Here was a place where my risk taking could be rewarded.
Trauma followed me out of my childhood and into the army. Looking back it was as if we were marching in lockstep together. After several major events I knew my psyche needed out and I released after a short but exciting three years.
The experimenting that began with alcohol in my early teens turned into a full blown addiction by my early twenties with a trip into rehab for a month. Eventually fate would land me in prison – as a correctional officer where I spent nine years of my life deep-diving into the never ending well of despair that is our criminal justice system.
Of everything that happened to me, in my childhood, the army and working at the jail, I never considered anything I did courageous. How could I. I was never afraid.
This scares me though. Writing this down, wondering how all of you are going to react. Will you accept me? Will you shun me? Will I even read it?
I feel courageous when I share with people. It excites me in a good way. Will something I say resonate? Will the words I speak ignite a feeling in you? One you haven’t felt in a while, or haven’t been able to express?
I was only able to go back to the memory of my father through years of introspection and therapy. It was through the act of recovery that I was able to see just how courageous I was. Not in that moment as a child. Not because I survived all of the perils life could throw at me. But because I could take that moment, that moment I turned off that emotion of fear, and I could have it back.
Sometimes memories can be about something that you didn’t see. Like a red convertible in the driveway. I can go back there now.
I can tell that little boy whose father just left him that everything is going to be alright, and the courageous part about my life is now I’m telling it to you.
Warm regards,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych.
Executive Director, Landing Strong
by Landing Strong | Oct 22, 2020 | Belinda's Thoughts, Our Program, Support, Virtual Community
These are complicated times, and we’re all facing increased levels of uncertainty. Background stress is much higher than usual and it may be harder to unwind at the end of the day. Here are three quick tips to help keep you right side up:
- Do less
Instead of opting for a complete home renovation, try doing a jigsaw puzzle while listening to your favorite music. Take joy in simple things: like the satisfaction of a perfectly chopped pile of wood, or teaching your dog a new trick. “Less is more” is the new mantra as we work to keep ourselves in balance.
- Just say “no” to social overload
Factor this increased stress load into your decision making when deciding how much to take on. This is a time for increased boundary setting. Do you really want a three hour zoom family reunion following a week overloaded with on line meetings? Consider dropping in for just a brief time or opting instead for simple in-person social gatherings like coffee with a friend. Get comfortable thanking people for invitations, but letting them know you are focussing on self-care and re-charging during down time.
- Limit screen time.
If your sleep is disrupted, it’s a sign that you’re brain isn’t getting the relax time it needs. Zoom gatherings and online meetings are more mentally fatiguing than seeing people in person. Try picking a completely junky novel to browse through before sleeping. Enjoy a long soak in the tub or flip through your latest car magazine. Consider having technology free weekends, and please, take off your watch that sends emails to you 24/7. Your central nervous system will thank you.
If you are thinking of making changes on a larger scale, consider joining our Healthy Living program starting in November. You’ll have a chance to reflect on what is most important to you, ensuring the life you’re living is the one you want.
Warm regards,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych.
Executive Director, Landing Strong
by Landing Strong | Oct 22, 2020 | Uncategorized
“We are all in this together”
It’s a comment we have heard often, but I’ve come to the point of wincing now when I hear it. Every person’s experience is not identical. Although we might currently be in the same place, our experience of it varies greatly. The things we have on our plate differ, and the stressors we face unique. A colleague captured this when she said to me recently:
“We may be in the same storm… but we’re not in the same boat.”
No truer words were spoken.
Think back over the last seven months. There was no way we could have anticipated how many levels of stress we were to face or how long the current stressors would have lasted. I invite you to consider the following questions:
What are some of the things you are most proud of regarding how you have managed?
It’s important to take a moment to acknowledge the things you have managed well.
Now that you have some learning behind you, what are some things you’d like to tweak in order to ensure you stay healthy over the next six months?
Facing tough times can give us a whole new understanding of the things that are important to us.
What are some of the things you have really come to appreciate?
Looking ahead to six months from now, what are some of the things you would like to be able to say about yourself?
Now is a great time to do some tweaking. Our Healthy Living program, starting in November, focusses attention on identifying values that are important to us. Together we will review whether the life we are living reflects the life we want. We’ll learn simple strategies for making healthy changes.
Warm regards,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych.
Executive Director, Landing Strong
by Landing Strong | Oct 2, 2020 | Belinda's Thoughts, Friday Inspiration, Recovery, Self-Awareness, Wisdom
“Don’t look back, stay in the present,” people may tell you, urging you not to dwell on the difficult times.
Yet…like trickles of rain finding their way through creases in a rock, our minds revisit old scenes and emotions, replaying them in an endless loop that interrupts sleep.
It may feel like you’re haunted, having these old stories replay over and over in your head. In reality, it’s our brain’s way of pointing is to the things we need to examine in order to recover.
“You never know where you’re going unless you know where you’ve been.” A wise man said to me recently. Besides the fact that’s it’s a great lead line for a country Western song, it’s also true. Our brains know that, in order to heal, they need to repeatedly return to the site of injury, working to make sense of what happened. The problem is, when we do it alone, we tend to view our past the same way, over and over. Knowing where you’ve been helps navigate the way forward. Doing so in good company provides a fresh lens through which to view it.
Join the Landing Strong on-line experience. Call now to register for programs starting in November and January. We’ll help you find your way.
Warm regards,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych.
Executive Director, Landing Strong
by Landing Strong | Sep 25, 2020 | Belinda's Thoughts, Creativity, Friday Inspiration
Have I told you about my 87 year old father? He’s a master of reinvention. He used to be a high school art teacher, but had an opportunity to retire early at 55. We’ve all seen the Freedom 55 commercials right? It’s supposed to be great.
In his case, though, the transition wasn’t easy. I don’t think he quite knew what to do with himself. Accustomed to a highly structured day with many responsibilities, he suddenly found an endless stretch of time during which nothing was happening. I remember a lot of TV watching and listlessness that we weren’t accustomed to seeing. Over time, though, he found his way. He started to watch the “talking heads” as he calls them, financial advisors and news reporters on TV.
He read about the stock markets and investing. Before you knew it, he was playing both tennis and the stock markets daily, getting super fit and doubling the income he had ever earned as a teacher, all while working only an hour per day.
Now he still plays with the money markets, but as an artist, he also tackles new creative themes each year. During COVID, he was obsessed with painting waves. A challenging thing to capture, perhaps it was his way to escape the confinement of isolation. Each week, my siblings in Toronto would send me photos of his work. He’s been painting faster and more than ever before, excitedly sharing his creations.
As I lead the Identity and Transition Program, I’m reminded that we all have periods of change and transition. Times when we need to pause from life, and allow ourselves the time to figure things out. Making sure our next steps are thoughtful, not rushed.
For many people who’ve committed their lives to the “job,” knowing what to do in their leisure time is not easy. That’s why we developed our Healthy Living Program, starting this November. It’s virtual, so even if you don’t live close by, you can still join us. Call early to enroll so we know to save a spot for you.
Warm regards,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych.
Executive Director, Landing Strong
