“I’m tired of feeling bad about myself. How can I learn to feel better?”
It’s a great question, and is likely a challenge that has faced us all at some point in our lives.
Personally, I think low self-esteem is the result of high expectations.
We’re all good at some things, and not so good at others.
Low self-esteem happens when we think we should be good at everything.
Those of you who struggle with addictions likely can relate. Addictions aren’t the result of expecting too little. It’s usually about expecting too much and feeling frustrated with ourselves when we don’t measure up.
So my word for the week is compassion.
Are you able to take a moment to appreciate those things you do well?
Try practicing compassion with yourself in those areas that you’re not strong at. No one gets better when they are being yelled at. Our inner critic can have the loudest and most disabling voice of all.
You may know that you love deeply, and care deeply, but not actually know how to communicate that to others. Instead of focussing on those things we can’t do, and feeling badly, I encourage you to notice your areas of strength, building on them so you have the confidence to work on those things that are still “in development.”
Warmly,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Executive Director, Landing Strong
It’s a phrase I hear quite often, usually by people who’ve had harmful experiences that left them feeling disillusioned or hurt.
It’s natural to build walls to protect ourselves when we feel threatened. The problem is, trust is often described in black and white terms: it’s there or it isn’t.
In reality, I see trust as having many dimensions. Let’s think about it for a moment. If we were facing a zombie apocalypse, who would you most want by your side? Is it the same person who you’d hire to care for your children or grandchildren? Probably not. Mary Poppins and Van Diesel definitely fall into different categories of trust. Trusting someone with your physical safety needs is different that trusting them to care for your children.
I trust my husband Joe implicitly, but he might not be my first choice when it comes to decorating cupcakes (flashback to our wedding where we decorated our own bride and groom cakes. Joe’s cake consisted of a war scene with Tonka tanks, explosions and GI Joe parachuting down into the middle). Yeah…I definitely don’t trust my husband when it comes to decorating cakes… but, I do trust him to be there for me when it comes to the really important stuff.
I like to think of trust as a three dimensional star with many prongs. I can trust some people along many dimensions, others along only a few. That’s okay, as long as I don’t trust people in areas that aren’t their strength.
So if you catch yourself thinking “people can’t be trusted,” try looking for exceptions in this “all or nothing” thinking pattern. It may be there are some things they do well. See what happens if you modify your expectations accordingly.
Warmly,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
Those of you who have signed up for careers in the military or as first responders understand what it means to be dedicated to a life of service. Family members also become part of this commitment, making sacrifices so that others may be safe.
I was speaking with a law enforcement officer today who described the “thin blue line” that has become synonymous with the police line of duty. The black space above the line commonly represents society, order and peace, while the black space below, crime, anarchy and chaos. It’s a thin blue line (police) that runs between the two, keeping society protected. Uniforms often reflect the thin blue line, or variations of it. Although the stripe on your uniform may be a different colour, the unifying theme is the commitment to service and duty.
I’m often struck how deep and automatic the dedication to service runs: putting oneself in harm’s way so that others might be protected. Even after long careers, veterans often search for ways to “give back” or be “of service” to their communities. Many people describe repeatedly volunteering for horrific duties so that others won’t have to. Whether it’s volunteering to assist with the Swissair disaster, responded to a fatal house fire, working daily with gangs, investigating homicides, or being first at the scene after a horrific car accident, someone always steps forward, putting themselves at risk so that their friends, colleagues, and community, may be protected. As you well know, this is not without a toll. Not feeling the injury while at work doesn’t mean that a deep-seeded pain isn’t there.
What happens when the uniform comes off?
Whether it’s at the end of a long shift, during a break following injury, or after a long career, knowing how to care for oneself is not always simple. I often hear people talk about “becoming the job.” Family members fret that their loved ones no longer feel the same.
It’s for this reason we are launching our new program Identity and Transition: discovering who you are when the uniform comes off. Whether you’re on active duty, in transition, or retired. This course is for you. If you’re not yet ready to sign up for the program, we hope that you’ll follow our online resources related to this important topic.
Warmly,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
As is the case with any vacation, my goal is to relax and recharge, allowing me to give my full attention and energy to the things I care about once I return home.
How do I do this?
For the next seven days, I’ll be back-country canoe tripping through Killarney Provincial Park, one of Ontario’s most pristine and spectacular wilderness preserves. It’s inevitable that at times I‘ll be uncomfortable: fending off bugs, carrying heavy backpacks over long portages, or sleeping on bumpy ground. Joe, Kyle and Mackenzie are psyched about eating porridge every morning…me not so much so.
I know from past experience though, that it’ll be well worth it. I can relax by doing less, or challenge myself by doing more. Generally speaking, the most important aspects of self-care that I practice involve expending energy. It may involve camping, doing art, reading, writing or walking in nature. Some part of me is generally in motion. Sometimes I do it well, sometimes not.
We often think of relaxation as being a passive activity: slowing down, watching Netflix, and giving ourselves permission to do less. Sometimes this is true, but if it becomes a pattern, it’s no longer relaxation. It becomes a pattern of existing.
So this week I’ll expend some energy to get out of my head, and into nature and connection with people I love.
I know some of you are off doing the same – playing music, camping, fishing and surfing.
If your old interests aren’t serving as a source of inspiration anymore, it might be time to try something new. As we change, so do our needs. That’s why we’re introducing “Community Connection” days into our programming at Landing Strong. Open to anyone who is on the path of recovery and has participated in one of our workshops, these days will offer a chance to get together in a fun and restorative way. We’ll start advertising them in the next few weeks.
If you haven’t participated in any of our programs yet, consider signing up for one this fall. We are always welcoming new community members.
Warmly,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
Every military member and first responder signs up knowing their job involves risk. You may not know exactly what the risks are, but have a general sense that things could get very ugly. Why do we do it? Why expose ourselves to harmful things when we know that there’s a significant chance of personal injury?
Why support a family member who may be taking these risks?
Why would someone willingly enter a burning building, respond to a fatal motor vehicle accident, take on the responsibility of making life-or-death decisions, or be in the role of caring for those who have injured others?
We do it because deep down, we believe we can make a difference.
Whether it’s through direct exposure in the field, or more indirectly through the viewing of images and videos, there’s no doubt that repeated trauma exposure takes a toll.
Through witnessing one another’s experiences, we’re able to appreciate the difference each person made. We’re a community that walks with you to understand your injury and help you reclaim parts of your life that may have been lost.
Come walk with us this Fall, we’re running group programs that are well-suited for both new and returning members of our team. We’ll be sharing details on our social media pages this week so be sure to check us out on Facebook or our website.
With gratitude,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
