As I view the dark days of winter in my rear view mirrors and think about the months ahead, I find myself contemplating bathing suit season. Thatâs right, the dreaded time of year when weâre held accountable for our mid-winter indulgences. I admit it, I put on a few pounds. My stomach isnât flat the way I want it to be. Could it be encroachment of the dreaded Muffin Top?
I found myself defaulting to considering quick weight loss strategies, accompanied by uncharitable thoughts about myself and unkind words about my body. âThere is absolutely no reason,â I think, frustrated with myself, âwhy I shouldnât look exactly like I did in my twenties. I just need more discipline!â I seem to be overlooking the fact that Iâve had a few kids and itâs thirty years later.
Okay, Iâm a psychologist, I should know better. Enduring change is built on love and compassion, not hatred. History holds countless examples.
But Iâm still human. It was Mackenzie, my daughter, and our Landing Strong Director of Community Engagement and Wellbeing who reminded me of this. I made a comment about being displeased with my muffin top, to which she replied:
âRemember, the top of the muffin is the best partâ.
The wisdom of these words struck deep, for I know in my heart that I am in the best years of my life. Instead of internally criticizing, Iâll focus on practicing loving compassion. A person who loves her body cares for it, exercising it regularly and nourishing it with whole foods and a rainbow of colour. A person who struggles with their body doesnât connect with it or use it much, viewing food as the enemy. This makes enduring change very difficult.
I think our relationship with our bodies very much reflects our relationship with ourselves and with life in general. With courage, love, and compassion, weâre able to leave the dark days of winter behind.
Stuck in the dark corner of judgement and shame, we remain immobile. Change escapes us. Iâll think of you all as I wander the nature trails with my dogs, enjoying the buds of spring and bursts of colour. I wonât focus on what I donât want, but on what I desire, and allow that path to gently guide me forward.
Partners in recovery,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
I speak to many veterans and first responders who tell me they are having a difficult time feeling.
The problem isnât that theyâre feeling downâŠitâs that they arenât feeling at all.
Over the years, quietly and almost unnoticed, emotional flatness has seeped into their lives.
âItâs not all badâ they tell me. âIâm not bothered at work by things that seem to disturb other people. I just shut âer down and get the job done.â
You may recognize yourself in this picture: highly skilled at being functional, even when the going gets tough. When faced with disturbing or horrific scenes, weâre trained to shut down our emotions. Because after allâŠMission (service) comes before self.
One of the challenges is that we get so used to being in this mode that we donât always know when weâre are doing it.
We just notice that we are no longer able to feel like we used to.
The emotional override can be so powerful that that we may not even be able to recognize what our needs are. Knowing how and when to take time out for ourselves isnât simple. Years of training has hardwired us to meet the expectations of strangers before those of our own families or even ourselves.
Chronic pain, fatigue, anger, anxiety and emotional flatness are all indications that this has gone on for too long.
Recovery is about reconnecting with self. Listening to our bodies and our minds.
Change is possible but I wonât kid you, itâs not easy. Particularly if the override has been going on for many years.
We will be offering a five week program on successive Fridays starting May 24 which will help. Stop faking good and start feeling good: Manage your emotions and curb your addictions. Call now to reserve your spot (902) 472-2972 or contact us at info@landingstrong.com
Partners in recovery,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
As I sit here in the warmth of my kitchen, smelling the sweet aroma of baking granola, I feel particularly grateful to be inside while the elements rage outside. Snow day, what wonderful words. All the busyness of life comes to a screeching halt as I hunker down for a good olâ time of doing nothinâ.
It feels strangely calming simply standing still in time. Many people may be stressing about the elements they canât control in their life today: appointments they canât make; places they canât get to; children who are stuck at home. Although I have a lot of things I was hoping to do today, probably the most important thing I can do is recognize and accept what I canât control. Make the best of it. Iâm talking about the art of letting go.
This snow day situation is perhaps a parallel of what many of you are facing every day in your lives: loss of the ability to do your job or participate in activities that you enjoy and are accustomed to. Over the years, Iâve come to learn that the people who recover from trauma the fastest are generally those who acknowledge that it is a process that canât be rushed. They are patient with themselves. Those who push themselves to get better faster take longer to recover. By focusing on the things that we can control and letting go of those we canât, weâre honouring the process of recovery.
For those of you who didnât get to stay home during this bad weather (perhaps your jobs involve going out in these conditions to help others), I thank you. For it is your actions that keep us all safe.
Be warm, be safe,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
This week, Mackenzie downloaded a podcast to my phone that I thought was terrific.  It made me laugh, feel sad, and prompted some deep reflection about the nature of relationships.  Itâs the story of a couple trying to work out differences in three binge-worthy episodes.  The format of their discussion is 36 critical questions.  I use the word critical because they quickly get to the heart of what is most important in a relationship.  At the core, do we share the same values, laugh at the same things, cry at the same time, and know how to let loose and have fun in a meaningful way?
Itâs impossible to listen to this podcast without reflecting on oneâs own relationships. Iâll share one of the questions with you,
âGiven the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?â
In answering this, I went through a list of possibilities, ranging from Oprah to Gandhi to Michelle Obama. Iâm happy to say that after a great deal of thought, I chose Joe. Thatâs right, the same man who Iâve been married to for the past 28 years. When push comes to shove, heâs the guy who I want to take me to dinner.
I invite you to enjoy the podcast, and perhaps use the list of questions (excluding #35) to spark discussion. It’s called “36 Questions” and is a 3-episode podcast musical.
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
My husband Joe recently shared a few âpromposalâ stories with me, reminding me of the intense joy, courage and compassion felt by adolescents. For those of you unfamiliar with this time-honoured secondary school custom, promposals are the delivery of heartfelt sentiments, generally performed in a very public manner. I felt touched by the thoughtful ways people were asking someone special to be their date.
Expressing our affections for another can make us feel vulnerable, especially if we are unsure how the other person will respond. Rejection is a risk. To put oneself in a vulnerable position publicly takes even more courage.
Joe told me about a female hockey player who wished to ask out a member of the boys hockey team. His team was scheduled to practice immediately after hers. She secretly enlisted the help of both teams⊠even the coaches were included. It was their task to distract the intended recipient while both teams lined up their sticks to make a path to a message spelled out in pucks on the freshly cleaned ice.
My goal is to score a date with you for the prom.
Luckily for both parties involved, he accepted. I imagine a great roar of cheers arising from all those who helped orchestrate this wonderful event.
Another story involves a fellow who was in charge of thanking a particular girl during a school assembly for her role in organizing an event. He got up in front of the entire school, acknowledged her effort, and then with only the slightest of pauses, presented her with a bouquet of roses, adding,
There is one other thing I would like to sayâŠ
With the entire school watching, he took the plunge:
I donât have anyone to go to the prom with me. Will you do me the honour of being my date?
Over 400 people held their breath as they waited for her reply. After what must have seemed like an eternity to the young man, she broke into a huge smile and gleefully accepted.
These young people inspire me. How often is it that we have the opportunity to witness such grand acts of courage? I donât know about you, but I found the adolescent years excruciating. I stand in awe of the fortitude it takes to stand on a mountain top and declare oneâs love or admiration in such a bold manner.
That, my friends, is living. This week, I chose to think about how inviting others to share powerful emotions can bring us together.
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
I have a piece of wildlife art on my wall: a majestic stag, staring intensely at me from a forest glade. When I look at it, my body settles. In fact, when Iâm on a break between sessions, I often sit on my couch and stare at this deer, looking at it as it looks back at me. A couple moments of mindful reflection in the blur of an otherwise busy day.
A few weeks ago, I noticed a client standing in front of this piece of art, staring at it thoughtfully. I immediately assumed it was bringing him the same joy it brought to me. When I observed him more closely, I saw a flash of pleasure dance across his face. I suddenly remembered that he was a hunter.
âYouâre thinking about shooting that deer!â I proclaimed, somewhat shocked.
âNo,â he said to me, grinning slyly. âIâm thinking of cooking it up over a campfire, and eating a great venison steak.â
Itâs all a matter of perspective. It doesnât matter what weâre dealing with in life, there are always many ways to look at any situation.
A snow day this week could be a headache, or cause for celebration.
Are you aware of the direction your thoughts take you? Our automatic thoughts are powerful guides in terms of how we interpret the world around us. They drive our emotions. Itâs generally not a situation that causes an emotion, but rather the way we think about it that drives the feeling.
If we want to change our feelings, we have to change our thoughts. We canât always control our environment, but we can control how we choose to think about it.
One of the most impactful ways of gaining a new perspective is to work within groups. Weâre able to see ourselves, not just through our own lenses, but also through the lens of others. A carefully facilitated and safe therapeutic group provides the ideal venue.
We offer a variety of workshops and programs. Landing Strong members are welcome to join at any time. New programs are being launched on a regular basis (check out the âPrograms and Workshopsâ tab under LandingStrong.com)Â Â We hope youâll join us. Spoiler alert: Keep an eye out for our emotions management program, coming soon!
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
To a beach resort, where cold drinks are brought to you by the side of a pool? Or backpacking through a mountain pass, discovering tiny flower buds as they push their way through barren soil towards the sun?
Do you like things packaged, and neat? Or are you comfortable with uncertainty?
This April, I plan to escape for a week to somewhere hot where everything is done for me. Perfect.Â
Next Summer, I hope to backpack the rugged coast of Newfoundland with some good friends, hopping from cove to cove searching for hidden gems. I donât know what weâll find, but I know there will be great fun in the searching. Being connected and together is an important part of the journey.
Iâll get something different out of each trip. At the warm resort, Iâll get relaxation and catch up on my reading. On the adventure trip, Iâll probably be uncomfortable at times but learn more about myself and those around me. Thatâs the trip Iâll most remember. I need both, but if I donât get out of my comfort zone Iâll stay pretty much the same.
In any journey, we have the power to decide how much risk weâre ready to take on. Increasing numbers of you are signing up for our workshops, and becoming involved with the Landing Strong community. Even after one day, we see change.
Lifeâs always smoother when things stay the same. Itâs in our response to disruption that true growth takes place.
Take a moment to check out the workshops available this month.Â
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
Twenty years ago I did some time in a federal penitentiary.
Itâs not what you might think.  I didnât break the law.  I was acting in the role of Chief Psychologist for four hundred federal male offenders.  Trying to help them undo the harm they had done to others.
Truth is, there are some wrongs that simply canât be righted, no matter how hard we try. The dead canât come back to life, and some emotional injuries run too deep to be healed.  Figuring out how to lessen the emotional impact of such loss is incredibly important, both for the victims and the perpetrators. Otherwise, there is no moving forward. Â
During this time I met Pierre Allard, an amazing Chaplain who has been championing the Restorative Justice movement in Canada for decades. He told me of a reconciliation group he had facilitated, where a group of offenders who had committed murder met with family members of victims of murder. The goal was for the two groups to sit in a room together, so the men who had committed the crimes could hear how the loss of a loved one had impacted the survivors. My discussion with Pierre centered not on the actual meeting, but rather, the minutes leading up to it.
The family members were brought into the room first.  Many were pale and out of shape.  Grief had visibly been affecting a number of them physically.  Their eyes were bloodshot, rimmed by dark circles from decades of sleepless nights. They walked with slumped shoulders and shuffled gaits. Avoiding eye contact with one another, they clutched their coats tightly around themselves, despite the warmth of the room.  They spoke hesitantly, their thoughts jumbled with the powerful unprocessed emotions that they were experiencing.Â
Then the offenders came in. They entered with straight backs and sure strides, carrying well-sculpted bodies, the result of countless hours in the weight room. They sat together with comfort and familiarity. Articulate and thoughtful, they spoke of their deep regrets and immense shame.  Their clear voices were indications of having spent many years processing their feelings and experiences with professional staff within the facility. Â
I remembered this story recently as I witnessed the impact of trauma on the loved ones affected by it.  It is not just the immediate victims who are injured.  Those who love and support them are also powerfully affected.  Secondary traumatization can be profound.  In many ways, these people too have experienced a profound loss.  They may not have been in the direct line of fire, but for many, the person who came home injured from work may not be recognizable. Years, and even decades, are spent trying to restore connection.  Countless efforts are made to end the isolation that can accompany the injury of a loved one.  They wait patiently, looking up a lonely road, waiting for their loved ones to return home. Soldiers in their own right, they travel a journey that is seldom discussed.  Used to turning attention to the injured family member, it can be hard to know how to care for themselves.
Letâs not forget anyone on this journey.  Not those who have been injured in the line of work, nor those who support them. Whether it is in the role of a spouse, partner, child or friend, we are all affected by trauma.  Â
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
This is the question I have been asking myself recently.
I know it isnât the many photos I see on Facebook – of smiling people doing exciting things. I know enough to understand that these pictures donât always tell the real story.
Maybe itâs channeling my inner Marie Kondo and decluttering my home, keeping only those things that spark warm feelingsâŠ
Perhaps itâs talking to my dogs in my best birthday party voice, watching them dance gleefully on two feet just because Iâm home.
Or maybe joy is something quieterâŠsofter. Like a calm wave that washes over me after having a good cry in the presence of a compassionate friend or partner. Or being that person for someone else as we face their deepest fears together.
Maybe joy is more about connection. Not feeling like we are in this world alone. Perhaps we experience joy when we are seen, heard and understood. Maybe itâs about being our most vulnerable selves, and still feeling accepted.
Warm thoughts from the Landing Strong Team.
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
Please join us in the first of our health promotion series as we welcome International Award Winning author Donna Morrissey on Feb 10 from 10 am – 3:30 pm. Enjoy a fun day of expression and creativity as you find or refine your writers voice. Watch our social media for details or email Donna directly at donnamorrissey@ns.sympatico.ca Workshop fee: $125
Itâs a common question we ask ourselves, particularly during periods of change or transition.  After years of service, taking off the uniform can mean a stripping of identity.  âWho am I behind the uniform?â you may wonder.
Growing up, I dreamed of changing the world, somehow making it a kinder, gentler place. The older I grew, the more I understood this was not so simple. Today, my aspirations are more humble. Every night as I lay my head on my pillow, instead of judging whether I changed the world, I simply ask myself the following:
âHave I had a heartfelt discussion with someone today and felt a meaningful connection? Have I been a good person today?â If the answer is yes, then I sleep well. If not, then Iâm motivated to do something about it. Itâs my belief that a series of meaningful connections leads to a mountain of change, and a whole lot of purpose.
So when you look in the mirror and wonder if youâre making a difference, I challenge you to ask yourself the simple questions. Itâs my sense that the meaning and purpose will follow.
Warm wishes from the entire Landing Strong Team,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
