It’s a phrase I hear quite often, usually by people who’ve had harmful experiences that left them feeling disillusioned or hurt.
It’s natural to build walls to protect ourselves when we feel threatened. The problem is, trust is often described in black and white terms: it’s there or it isn’t.
In reality, I see trust as having many dimensions. Let’s think about it for a moment. If we were facing a zombie apocalypse, who would you most want by your side? Is it the same person who you’d hire to care for your children or grandchildren? Probably not. Mary Poppins and Van Diesel definitely fall into different categories of trust. Trusting someone with your physical safety needs is different that trusting them to care for your children.
I trust my husband Joe implicitly, but he might not be my first choice when it comes to decorating cupcakes (flashback to our wedding where we decorated our own bride and groom cakes. Joe’s cake consisted of a war scene with Tonka tanks, explosions and GI Joe parachuting down into the middle). Yeah…I definitely don’t trust my husband when it comes to decorating cakes… but, I do trust him to be there for me when it comes to the really important stuff.
I like to think of trust as a three dimensional star with many prongs. I can trust some people along many dimensions, others along only a few. That’s okay, as long as I don’t trust people in areas that aren’t their strength.
So if you catch yourself thinking “people can’t be trusted,” try looking for exceptions in this “all or nothing” thinking pattern. It may be there are some things they do well. See what happens if you modify your expectations accordingly.
Warmly,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
As is the case with any vacation, my goal is to relax and recharge, allowing me to give my full attention and energy to the things I care about once I return home.
How do I do this?
For the next seven days, I’ll be back-country canoe tripping through Killarney Provincial Park, one of Ontario’s most pristine and spectacular wilderness preserves. It’s inevitable that at times I‘ll be uncomfortable: fending off bugs, carrying heavy backpacks over long portages, or sleeping on bumpy ground. Joe, Kyle and Mackenzie are psyched about eating porridge every morning…me not so much so.
I know from past experience though, that it’ll be well worth it. I can relax by doing less, or challenge myself by doing more. Generally speaking, the most important aspects of self-care that I practice involve expending energy. It may involve camping, doing art, reading, writing or walking in nature. Some part of me is generally in motion. Sometimes I do it well, sometimes not.
We often think of relaxation as being a passive activity: slowing down, watching Netflix, and giving ourselves permission to do less. Sometimes this is true, but if it becomes a pattern, it’s no longer relaxation. It becomes a pattern of existing.
So this week I’ll expend some energy to get out of my head, and into nature and connection with people I love.
I know some of you are off doing the same – playing music, camping, fishing and surfing.
If your old interests aren’t serving as a source of inspiration anymore, it might be time to try something new. As we change, so do our needs. That’s why we’re introducing “Community Connection” days into our programming at Landing Strong. Open to anyone who is on the path of recovery and has participated in one of our workshops, these days will offer a chance to get together in a fun and restorative way. We’ll start advertising them in the next few weeks.
If you haven’t participated in any of our programs yet, consider signing up for one this fall. We are always welcoming new community members.
Warmly,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
Every military member and first responder signs up knowing their job involves risk. You may not know exactly what the risks are, but have a general sense that things could get very ugly. Why do we do it? Why expose ourselves to harmful things when we know that there’s a significant chance of personal injury?
Why support a family member who may be taking these risks?
Why would someone willingly enter a burning building, respond to a fatal motor vehicle accident, take on the responsibility of making life-or-death decisions, or be in the role of caring for those who have injured others?
We do it because deep down, we believe we can make a difference.
Whether it’s through direct exposure in the field, or more indirectly through the viewing of images and videos, there’s no doubt that repeated trauma exposure takes a toll.
Through witnessing one another’s experiences, we’re able to appreciate the difference each person made. We’re a community that walks with you to understand your injury and help you reclaim parts of your life that may have been lost.
Come walk with us this Fall, we’re running group programs that are well-suited for both new and returning members of our team. We’ll be sharing details on our social media pages this week so be sure to check us out on Facebook or our website.
With gratitude,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
Anger is intoxicating. There’s no doubt about it. It’s powerful, and has the illusion of strength. People will often respond to us more quickly if we’re angry.
Anger can be a force to be reckoned with. The military recognizes this, teaching people to harness their anger as vehicles for mobilization during difficult moments.
“Don’t get sad, get mad”
The problem is, power gleaned through anger is power taken, not power earned.
Is it possible, I wonder, to have power without exerting our will over others?
Maybe what we are really talking about is leadership.
Certainly, there are many different styles of leadership. We are all familiar with dictatorships, where those in power exert their control over others. Failure to conform is associated with profound negative consequences. We are fearful of their anger. Think Stalin.
Charismatic leaders, on the other hand, rely on the leader’s charm and attraction to inspire devotion among followers. After meeting with Charismatic leaders, we are inspired to be of service. We leave feeling they are special. Televangelist Billy Graham is a famous example of this style of leadership.
Transformation leaders, on the other hand, inspire greatness. They instill valuable and positive change with a vision of developing followers into leaders. After meeting with these leaders, we feel special: confident and inspired to be more. Nelson Mandela is an example of such a leader.
I think we have all had times when we realized our anger had power. It’s a hard habit to break, particularly if we don’t feel safe.
Is this a time when transformational leadership might be an option for you? Maybe you are already practicing it. What does it look like in your life?
Warm regards,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
Many years ago I attended a work seminar where the facilitator spoke of the importance of developing a Plan B for any major venture you take on. His words struck a chord, for at the time I was working in a federal penitentiary. I wasn’t sure how long I would remain there. Every day, I was surrounded by people who repeatedly reported how many years they had until retirement.
“Good morning” they would greet me cheerfully, “only six years left ‘till retirement”.
It was the institutional running joke, with people reporting the time they had left on their “sentences” prior to being released. Like the inmates they were supervising, they were serving life sentences on the installment plan.
This prompted me to develop a solid Plan B.
From that moment forward, every day that I went to work became a choice. I could continue, or I could change, but I would not allow myself to complain about it because I had the freedom to exercise my will.
Even now, every day I go to work knowing that I have options. My Plan B may not make much money, but it’s always less stressful and generally involves doing something creative. Somehow, that allows me to go to work each day with joy, owning the decision to be there.
It may be your Plan B involves taking time off work so that you can take proper care of yourself. That in itself is a plan.
Warm regards,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
In her book Option B, Sheryl Sandberg describes the devastating impact of unexpectedly losing her husband Dave during a trip to Mexico. The purpose of the trip was to renew their wedding vows after eleven years of marriage. One minute he’s on the elliptical trainer climbing his way to health, and the next moment he is lying on the floor, gone. Suddenly, she found herself in a deep void attempting to begin a life that she did not imagine nor choose. She described feeling completely unprepared and alone. Grief became a demanding companion, with ordinary events like school parents’ night becoming unexpected landmines.
Her friend and Psychologist Adam Grant flew across the country to support her. His words of comfort were that she would need to allow her grief to run its course. She asked Adam how she could get some resiliency. He told her that resilience is the strength and speed of our response to adversity. It isn’t about having a backbone, but rather, about strengthening the muscles around our backbone.
I know that many of you have endured life altering loses. “Option A” of life, as we originally expected it, no longer exists. It might be the loss of a person, of health, of your identity, or of your belief in the world. For some reason, the unfolding of your existence has been irrevocably altered.
What do we do in such times? In Sheryl’s case, it was to recognize that Option A as she put it, life with her husband Dave, was no longer available. The only option, according to her friend Adam, was to “kick the shit” out of Option B.
What stage are you in?
Have you started to allow yourself the possibility of developing an alternative option for yourself?
Like Sheryl, we encourage you to allow others in, to assist in the re-visioning and restructuring of your life. Know that we are here for you.
Warm regards,
Belinda Seagram, Ph.D., R. Psych. Founder, Landing Strong
